


Loss and Recovery

by debbystitches



Category: SEAL Team (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-18 16:26:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18703222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debbystitches/pseuds/debbystitches





	Loss and Recovery

My final appointment of the day comes in. It’s a Navy Seal who just recently lost his wife. I’ve seen him before after he lost a team member. I did his intake for that one. I will only do his intake for this one as well. “Hello Jason, I’m so sorry for your loss.” He explodes at me. “Don’t do that. Don’t say you’re sorry. You’re not sorry. You didn’t know her. You can’t know what she meant to me and my kids. You will never know how hard it is to let her go.” He’s standing in the middle of my office with his hands on the back of a chair. He is gripping the chair so hard his knuckles are white. I apologize again, “Why don’t you tell me about your wife?” He shakes his head, “I can’t, I can’t talk about her. I’m here to clear my head of her and talk about my position with the teams.” I look at him and say, “Then sit down and talk about how you want your life to go from this point on.” 

He takes the chair. He looks down at his hands. His hands are balled into fists. He doesn’t talk. At the end of the hour I tell him a colleague will be seeing him from now on. A male colleague who specializes in end of marriage transitions. Jason looks up at me from the chair as I move from behind my desk. As he stands, he asks “Why can’t I see you? You did this to me last time.” He rushes at me and collides with the door as I move to make way for him to leave. Bouncing from the door back against the chair. He knocks the chair into the desk and my monitor crashes to the floor. The commotion brings two young men to my door. Two patients that think I might be in harms way pull me from the room and take stances between me and the perceived aggressor. I call for the corpsman that works our front desk. He pulls Jason up off the broken chair and checks him over for injuries. A spring from the chair has opened a wound in Jason’s back. We call for an aide car to take him to the base hospital for stitches. I tell the medics that he has had a traumatic brain injury in the last year as well as encountering the steel door with his whole body then landing on my chair. They rush him away. 

The maintenance crew comes in to take away my chair, monitor and the bloody rug. My boss brings in a new monitor. “Looks like your last day here ended with a bang.” I look around and shake my head at the changes. One less chair to move around. The monitor is smaller than my last. I’m not really glad to be leaving but I’m glad it is my last day. I hand the file to my boss and promise to enter the notes into the computer record after I write up the incident. I get back to business. At the end of the day, I shut down my computer, put my few personal items in my handbag and lock the office. I hand the keys to my boss. “You can change your mind you know.” I tell him I won’t. I say goodbye to a few fellow counselors and walk the 3 blocks to the hospital. I take the familiar hallways to the room where my father lies, still unconscious from his collapse. He’s been in a coma for 2 weeks. He had fallen after his last chemo treatment. Today was the day the team of doctors had suggested we make the final decision. His tests had shown he was no longer there. The machines were keeping his body alive. 

After spending the last 2 weeks searching the house for his end of life papers, I finally had the documents needed to make the final decision. He didn’t want to remain on life support. Today they would remove the breathing support. I signed paper after paper and clutched a copy of my father’s living will. They removed the breathing tube and after almost a full minute he took a breath on his own. The doctor was stunned. I was stunned. “This changes things.” the doctor said. I nodded my head. He suggested I revisit the care facilities we had discussed the week before. I knew where my father needed to go. Again I signed a slew of paperwork then sat down beside my father. I waited until the sun had gone down. I would wait the agonizing seconds between each breath. I counted them he had gotten up to 15 seconds once and his heart monitor would just keep beeping along. As I left the hospital room and went down stairs to leave I encountered Jason and his team and their support in the lobby. He approached me to apologize. 

“Jason, there’s nothing to apologize for. The door is fine. You are fine. They will put another chair in that office. Once again, I’m sorry for your loss but this doesn’t change anything. You will still be seeing another counselor in that office. Today was my last day. If you will excuse me, I need to go home.” My favorite nurse from my father’s floor saw me and offered to walk me out. “Such a surprise when your father started breathing on his own, baby girl. That Ranger is tougher than we all knew.” The sweet woman just kept prattling on as we walked. We stopped at our cars in the employee parking lot between our buildings. She hugged me and told me call if I needed anything. Numbly I climbed into my car. 

The next morning instead of driving to my office, I parked in the visitors parking lot of the hospital and walked through the hallways back to my father’s room. Today they would move him to an extended care facility. I sat there until they came in to bathe him. I went to get lunch. As I walked back to the room. I ran into Jason again. He looked like he was laying in wait for me. He rushed up to me again. I shook my head and told him he would have to see someone else in the office. “I no longer work for the base counseling office. I’m only here to be with my father until he’s moved to his new hospital.” Jason again apologized but he followed me to my father’s room. I did everything I could to discourage him from following me. Finally, my protector, the nurse came to shoo him away. He agreed to leave but he was waiting by my car when I left for the day. 

“I really should report you as a stalker.” I moaned as I approached my car. Jason shook his head and said, “You wouldn’t want to ruin my career like that would you?” I told him he needed to go. He stepped away from my car. “Go see the counselor I assigned to you, Jason.” I said as I pulled away. I drove back to my father’s house I let myself in and I pulled the cold pizza from the fridge and a bottle of wine from the rack. I poured the wine and took the pizza to my chair in the living room. I turned on the tv and had my dinner before finishing the bottle and going to bed. 

The next morning, I left for the hospital to find Jason sitting in my father’s room. “You really cannot keep doing this. It’s not professional of you to be in here.” “Why did you quit?” “It’s not any of your business.” “You have seen me twice and each time you have referred me to other people. Why is that?” “Honestly it’s because my father knows your family and they were all he talked about every time we spoke on the phone. Your wife helped him get rides for chemo until I could move out here…” He interrupted me then “this is old man Ron?” He really looked at the slow breathing figure in the bed. I nodded my head. “I’ve been here for the last 18 months helping him through his cancer treatments, working part time in the counseling department and taking him to the barns to see the horses. He taught your daughter to ride. Your wife found him the house we, I, live in. Your son was taking lessons in horse care before really riding when my father had to quit work and start chemotherapy.” “Oh man, I’m sorry. I thought you handed me off because you had something against Seals. I didn’t know it was because….” “That’s what I was hired to do. I was hired to perform intake appointments and assign them to specialized professionals in the office. I’m not qualified to talk to you about the loss of your team mate nor your late wife in more than an initial setting.” Jason didn’t know what to say so he insisted I sit down in the chair and he started talking about my dad. 

“I remember when Mikey first started talking about your dad. He called him the old man. He thought he could do anything with horses.” I smiled and took my father’s cool hand. Jason went on. “My daughter talked about the new trainer at the barns too. An old man that taught her to be nicer to the horses than she would be to her grandmother or Sunday school teacher. The horses loved him. The kids loved him.” I look at my father again and nod my head. Jason talked for over an hour then asked if I would like to meet his kids? “It really wouldn’t be appropriate.” “Yes it would. This is your dad. You’re losing him and my kids lost their mom.” “You knew her in a different way than I knew her. Like the kids knew her, like you know your dad.” I interrupted him then. “I didn’t know him at all. I was contacted by his family when the barns called his emergency contact about his health benefits and final paycheck. They didn’t know where he was. I hadn’t seen him for 20 years. I came because I was the one that could go. My mother had died a few years before. I have gotten to know the man he is. The sick man that resented me being there.” Jason grew quiet at that point. “I feel that way, my daughter resents me being there. I’m not who she wants.” “Have you sought counseling for the children?” “I don’t know how.” 

When the transport team come into the room, I sign their papers. I turn to Jason, “I’ll come by your house tonight. I think your children would like to know about my dad.” I followed the transport team out the door. I walked to my car got in and drove to the extended care facility. Walking into the nursing home, I remember going to see my grandmother in a similar place. She wouldn’t eat, so her body broke down over time after she withered away from the heavy woman she was, to her end of life weight. I was adamant about my father’s feeding tubes being kept clean and inserted properly. I made sure the mixture was good quality and nutrient rich. In my head I went over the last Sunday we had been together at the house. 

My dad was reading the Sunday paper. He would lay out the paper as it was stacked and folded. He would look at each page and comment as I served breakfast. I always put together a casserole the night before and before I went to the barns, I would put it in the oven. I had replaced his out dated stove when I moved in opting for one, I could control with my phone. Sunday mornings at the barn I would check on all the horses then work the two I had brought with me. My dad went with me as much as he felt up to it. That Sunday he had missed it. After breakfast though we would load up for Cowboy church at the nearby ranch. I tried to rush him to eat before he was ready. I was dressed and cleaning the dishes when he came back from his room dressed to go. I pulled the pasta salad I made the day before from the fridge and we left. We enjoyed the day with Dad’s horse and cattle friends. He asked me to stop at the barns before we returned to the house. We checked everyone over thoroughly before getting home for the night. Dad mentioned that Jason was home as we drove by the SEAL’s house. I wasn’t impressed with my father’s knowledge of someone else’s family. My father called me on it. I blew up at him in the car. I followed him in the house running down the laundry list of things he missed in my life. “You missed my wedding, you missed the funerals, you missed the day my sister told me she had cancer. You missed her fighting so hard to stay alive long enough to have her baby. You weren’t there the times I had to take my mother to the hospital after an overdose and pick her up from the hospital when she convinced the doctors she wouldn’t try to kill herself again. But Jason is home for his kids… What was your excuse? You were in the bottom of a bottle somewhere. You weren’t on a mission like Jason. Why? Why did you choose the bottle over me?” “I had a hard time when I got back. I couldn’t get the memories out of my head. I was haunted every day. Your mom…” “Don’t drag her into this. She had her own problems and I know you weren’t strong enough to keep her propped up when you weren’t dealing well with your own. That’s fine but you didn’t have to leave us behind like you did. You chose jail over seeing us. You’ll never know my sister. I can’t do this anymore. I’ll be here until you’re in remission. I’ll stop asking why? It’s not fair to both of us. I’m sorry. Good night daddy.” I couldn’t even add an I love you that night. 

The next morning, I took him to his chemo treatment then I went to the office to grab a file. He fell while I was away. His last words to me were, “I’ll be right here when you get back, little bit.” He didn’t say I love you, ever, but the nickname gave me the knowledge that he did love me. I smarted off at him after hugging him and kissing his cheek. “You better or I’ll have them strap you down next time, old man.” He was already in the coma when I got back. The next weeks were filled with tests and conversations with experts, work then going home to search for his papers. By the time I had discovered the decisions he had made, I was exhausted and grieving already. 

I shook myself out of my dark thoughts. I pulled out my charger for my phone and turned on the playlist we both had enjoyed. I also pulled out my knitting project. When I tired of the music, I would turn on a book and go back to my knitting. I left 2 pair of booties on the main desk in the reception hall the first night. I drove home to Jason’s house at sunset. He greeted me at the door then Mikey saw me and called for his sister. Hugging me he asked about my father. “I’ll tell you when your sister comes in here.” Emma came into the living room grudgingly until she saw me. “You’re here without your dad so this must be bad. Really, I can’t take anymore bad news.” “E, listen, it’s not all bad. It’s going to be sad and add to your sadness but there’s something incredible too.” So I told them about my father’s fall and the coma. “A few days ago we removed the breathing tube and he could breath on his own. It’s not a fast breathing like he’s going to be okay but somewhere inside, he’s still living. He’s defying the odds.” Emma let her tears fall while she whispered, “Will he ever get better?” “I don’t think so honey, the chemo damaged so much of his body while killing the cancer. For now, he’s like some of the really old horses. They hang out in their stalls. We clean up after them. We try to get them to eat and to drink but you can tell they’re just breathing until they forget how.” Emma hugged me harder then and the grief broke through. 

Seeing his girl crying again tore Jason apart. Mikey lost his hold on his tears too and I pulled him into my embrace. “Listen Hayes family, there’s no time limit on grief. I want you to take all the time you need to feel the feelings, but you have to talk about them honestly every day. Like now. I can see in your father’s eyes that he’s hurting. He’s lost his security as much as you have. Alana was the person that kept you all tied together. She was home for each of you. Now, you’ll have to be home for each other. That’s difficult transition to make. Dad has always had a set of rules to follow. Your mom gave him instructions each time he came home. Now, he has to remember things on his own. That’s hard for a guy who generally has someone else telling him what to do. All we have to do is make sure he’s still breathing each morning maybe remind him of early release days and he’ll learn.” “Dad has a calendar hidden in his room. Grandma threw it away once, but I saw him sneak it out of the trash.” Mikey told me. Emma had released me, dragging her brother across my lap, she latched on to him and her father. Her tears kept falling so I encouraged her to talk a little. “I feel like I should just swallow my feelings and go on with my life, but I can’t. I feel broken because I can’t.” Jason started to say something, but I tapped his shoulder and shook my head. “I don’t want the world to just go on without her.” Jason ran his hand over her hair and said, “I know honey, me too.” Mikey cried himself out and fell asleep in Emma’s lap. He shifted against his sister and she realized he was asleep. “Dad, you should put him to bed. I have something I need to ask (y/n).” Emma looked at me then said, “I need someone to take me shopping for some things and I can’t ask my dad. I just can’t and grandma was useless when I asked her.” I nodded my head and told her we would make a run to the 24-hour drug store as I passed her the tiny bag I kept in my purse. “Jason, Emma asked me to take her to the store. No don’t offer, she needs this to be discreet right now. I’m going to run down to the drug store with her and we will be back in an hour. Do you need anything else while we are out?” Jason swallowed hard. This is the moment he dreaded some one else was running to the store and he was staying behind. He couldn’t face this moment. Seeing a panic attack starting, I reached out to him, “Okay, I see, you drive but I’m going with you two. Your mom is here?” Emma called to her grandmother who had been in the back yard while I talked with the family. “Mrs. Hayes, we are making a run for the drug store, is there anything we can pick up while we are there?” I ask. She takes a list from the front of the fridge and hands it to Jason. I peek over his arm to see if there is anything we might need to save for another time. She has only household supplies on the list. 

Arriving at the store, I send Jason to the household isle, while Emma and I go to the hygiene section. I pull down two boxes from a top shelf for her then I start asking questions. We notice her dad walking back and forth at the end of our isle with a small cart. I send him to the check out and his truck to keep him from embarrassing his daughter. Emma and I stop in the candy isle then I return to another isle for some face wash and zit cream. Emma giggles at me when I lovingly cradle a huge bag of miniature candy bars. After paying for our supplies I leave the father and daughter to go into their house and I climb into my car. Jason jogs to the side of my car as I start it. He says, “Thank you.” I say, “You are welcome.” then shift into gear. I turn into my driveway down the block. I take my bag of chocolate and a jug of milk to my bed. I change into my jammies then settle into bed with a book to read. Before turning off the light I set a reminder to restock my purse before I leave the next day. I say prayers for my father, the rest of my family, the Hayes family and the world. I drift off to sleep singing “For My Broken Heart” as it plays on my playlist. 

The next morning I’m leaving for the barns when I see Jason pull up behind me. He follows me and parks beside me. I get out of my car shaking my head. He steps from his truck already speaking. “Hey, (y/n), I need to talk to someone about the lessons the kids were taking.” I lead him to the office then I go to the stalls where my boys are staying. I take the horses out of their stalls and clean the floors then put down fresh hay. I exchange the water buckets for clean ones and add feed and snacks to the other buckets then go to tend to my boys. I take them out to the empty corral and exercise them until they seem limber and ready for a little more fun. I wipe down the older gelding and put a saddle on him. I do the same for the younger gelding. I take them out to the path and discover Jason is waiting there. 

Again, I’m shaking my head, “What are you up to?” I ask. He asks why I have both horses saddled. “Habit, back in Oklahoma I always had a second rider, with me. Jr wouldn’t like it if I took him out with Blaze and he wasn’t ‘dressed for the occasion,’ I gentled him along with Blaze, so he’s always been the little brother wanting what his older brother had. He fought for the halter, and so on. Now, he would pout and lag behind if I didn’t saddle him.” Jason fell in step beside me as I walked the horses down the path. I asked if he rode, he said, “Not really, I’ve had some training but it’s not something I do regularly. The kids love it though.” I stop and ask him why he’s following me again. “I need to talk and I’m not sure I can talk about these things with Dr. Jenkins.” “Again, Jason, I cannot be your counselor. I spoke to the kids last night because it was the right thing to do.” “And it made a big difference for the kids, this morning they were talking about things, adding to my lists and calendar.” I cut him off, “if you want to talk more you have to ride.” I held Jr. as Jason mounted the horse. 

I hit him with the hardest question first. “How do you feel now that your wife has died?” He sat in stunned silence as I took the long, wooded path which was wide enough for 2 horses to walk side by side. “I feel lost. I’m coping but there are these needs that she met which are going unfulfilled.” “What needs?” “She had everything together when it came to the kids. Now, I’m just searching for a way to stand in for her.” “Is that the only need not being met?” “No, she was my life coach. She would tell me how to get through the days. She made sure I had food in my fridge. My bills were paid. She called me to make sure I would get to important events.” “And you don’t feel like you can do that on your own?” “It’s not that, I just feel so overwhelmed by the additional roles.” “How do you think you’re going to handle it?” “Right now, I’m just looking at it like a mission. I have a calendar and lists in a notebook. I just keep rearranging things in the notebook. I rewrite them almost on an hourly basis. My mom hates it. She threw the notebook away one day. Mikey fished it out to the trash right after she did it. I have it hidden. I moved everything to my phone instead.” “Do you feel more in control of these things with your notes and schedules?” “Not at all, things seem to be too fluid with the kids. I can’t get Emma out of bed most days. Mikey is suffering from the inconsistency. I can’t make it all better and that’s killing me.” “How do you think you could make it all better?” “I should remember everything, get them back to the way it was before but I don’t know how.” “You don’t know how to be Alana?” “Exactly.” “But you’re not Alana. You are Jason. Her way of doing things- parenting, providing for the family, filling her time, is not how you would do it. The kids need you to do things your way, so they can put their faith in you to see everything is going to be alright. Dad is in charge.” “Show them I got this.” “Yes” 

Jason asked about my father. We discussed the possibility of my father lingering in his current state for a long time. He asked about my family, where I was from. I discouraged the line of questioning. All I would answer was I was finishing my master’s in psychology and would move on to the Ph. D. program in the fall. I would stay in town as long as my father was alive. Jason moved to other subjects then. I told him about the horses and what it took to bring them from Oklahoma. He asked about growing up in Oklahoma. I shied away from the questions. We arrived back at the barns. Jason helped me rub down the boys and get them back in their stalls. Once again he tried to ask about my life before Virginia. I thanked him for his help then told him I needed to head to the hospital to see my father. I left him standing in the barn. 

Jason took my advice. He started seeing the counselor I suggested. He let it slip one day that he had seen me. My old boss over heard him and made every effort to get me to come back to work. I told him I couldn’t I had started classes at Virginia Wesleyan University during the day to finish my degree. He countered with an alternative offer. “There’s a set of group sessions that Dr. Smith has been running. She’s going on maternity leave in 2 weeks. Perhaps you could run those for us?” I still wasn’t sure. He offered a grant for my education as well as a salary. I was flattered but I didn’t need the money to pay for college. I promised I would think about it and give him an answer by the weekend. 

Each day I would check on my father in the morning on my way to campus then again on my way home. Most afternoons, I would pick up my fast food dinner and do homework in my father’s room before heading home to crash for the night. The afternoon aide, Diane, would give me trouble about hiding in the facility instead of living my life. By the end of the week I had made up my mind. I would take the job so that Diane would be satisfied. I didn’t bother telling her I would be working just that I would be leaving after only an hour each day, so I could go meet my people. 

The first session was only surviving wives. Dr. Smith gave me a notebook well organized to help when the women had problems. The sessions usually lasted only an hour, but I was to remain until all the women had left, just in case anyone had anything they wanted to discuss one on one. Dr. Smith said I could take private sessions at the member’s homes especially when they have young children. The next day the session was for survivors of any age and gender. Wednesday was for surviving husbands. Thursday was for young survivors under the age of 13. Friday, I had the teenagers and college students. After shadowing Dr. Smith for 2 weeks I was prepared to take over. 

On my third Wednesday Jason was in my group. The next day he brought Michael. Emma was in the group on Friday. Saturday, Jason was at the barn with the kids for their lessons. He stayed in the watching parent’s area each time he was there with the kids. Eventually I realized he had not accompanied the kids to their lessons. They weren’t attending the group session either, so I stopped Emma in the barn and asked about her father. “He’s back heading Bravo Team so he’s out of the country,” I wanted to ask her how she felt but she rushed out after making the comment. 

I settled into a routine working my horses in the mornings instead of sleeping in on Saturday and Sunday. I went to class, to see my father, to work then home to bed. I ran into Jason at the barns again after about 3 months. He came right to me to say he was home and wanted to know if we could have a game night sometime soon. I shook my head. “My dad is worse so I’m staying with him as much as possible.” Jason said, “I understand, you didn’t have this time before.” I thanked him and welcomed him home then I headed to see my father. Once again, the kids were in their sessions and Jason was in his as well. I had settled into my routine and looked forward to seeing the Hayes family when they came to the groups or the barns, then my father died. 

Dr. Smith held my hand as I made the final arrangements for my father. Her maternity leave was over, so we spent the rest of the day talking about specific group members. She stepped in like a mother hen. She arranged for me to get tapes of lectures and rescheduled lab times for 2 weeks as I decided what to do with my life. She checked on me one day after she took her baby to her in-laws. “Debby, thank you for all you have done. I’m doing okay, really. You don’t have to keep looking after me. I’m going to join your adult group, so you will see me. I’m not leaving the university until the end of the Spring semester at the earliest.” When I convinced her to go on to the office, I moved to the pool deck with a text book and highlighter. I was studying a text specifically about Viet Nam. I broke down reading a recount of a booby-trapped baby being brought to the camp. 

I thought about the soldiers then my thoughts turned to my father. He was part of the unit I was reading about. He was working in the tunnels the day this event happened. Then I thought of all the time I lost. Emotionally, I hit bottom. I left the book on the lounger. I settled in the front room on the couch to cry. I stayed there for 2 days then I went to my room with boxes of Little Debbie snack cakes and bottles of wine. Jason was standing at my door Saturday afternoon as I shuffled to the kitchen for another bottle from the case on the island. I pretended I didn’t see him or hear him at the door. Then I tripped over my own two feet. 

“(y/n), hey, wake up, come on, open your eyes” Jason said holding my face. I looked at him through my lashes. “I’m awake, I’m awake, get off me. What are you doing in my house?” Jason responded with relief on his face. “I saw you fall. You didn’t get up. I came in the back door, which was open.” He replied. I shook my head then lay back on the floor closing my eyes because my head was spinning. Jason picked me up from the floor and took me into the closest bedroom he found. He placed me on the bed then opened the doors in the room. Finding 2 closets then the en-suite he came back to the bed. “hey, hey, wake up. You stink. You need a bath.” I peeked at him, “No way dude. I am not going to take a bath with you here. You can call Debby, or your mother to help but not you, nope, now way, no how.” Jason once again picked me up. He carried me to the bathroom and put me in the tub. He laid a bath sheet over the top of the tub. He maneuvered around me to take off my bathrobe, socks and pj bottoms. I stopped him when he reached to pull an arm from my sleeve.” “This stays.” I insisted. He turned on the water then leaned back on his heels. The cold water on my feet sobered me enough to send him out of the bath room. 

I washed then wrapped myself in another bath sheet then a towel for my hair. I moved slowly into the room. Jason stood when I emerged. I walked right past him to the hallway. I stepped into my own bedroom to dress, shutting the door behind me. Jason knocked on the door about 15 minutes later. I didn’t answer his knock. I was dressed and had pulled the smelly sheets and mattress pad from the bed then climbed in the middle. I was crying again. Jason opened the door with a tray. He placed it on the bed and sat in the chair on the far side. “I called my mom. She’ll come over when she gets back with the kids. Debby told me to make you toast and tea. She can’t come, the baby is sick.” I thanked him and told him he could go. Instead of leaving, Jason took an empty snack box and started stuffing it with wrappers, backing cardboard and tissues. He left after a few minutes then returned with my trash can and recycling bin. He put the bottles in the blue container with the cardboard boxes then put the wrappers, wax covered cardboard pieces and tissues in the trash. He took my bedding and comforter to the laundry off the kitchen. He returned with the broom and resumed his cleaning using the broom to liberate the items under my bed. 

“Well, now, I bet you’ve been looking for this.” He said as he pulled a purple lace thong from under the bed. I turned my face to the mattress and moaned. “Oh, a matched set” he added when he found the bra. I refused to look at him then. With my head under a pillow, I told him to leave. “Can’t do it sweetheart. You clearly need someone to keep you from killing yourself walking through the house.” Leaving the room with the broom, trash and recycle bins I heard him searching through closets, so I called out, “What are you looking for?” He answered, “Sheets and the vacuum” 

He found the Dyson Cordless in the hallway closet. He returned to my doorway, “One down, one to go” “Alana kept ours in the drawers of the dresser.” He reached for the top drawer of my dresser. I called “Don’t! they are in my walk- in closet on the shelf to the left.” He was still looking down at the half-opened drawer when he reddened. He had found my personal vibrators. Closing the drawer, he turned to the closet. He pulled a purple set of sheets and pillow cases from the shelf. He pulled down another comforter from the top shelf. It was also purple. “I guess purple is your favorite color since you have so many, um, items in the color.” I rolled my eyes. He plopped the bedding on my mattress then returned to running the vacuum under my bed around the edge of the rug, and the base boards. I watched him using the small brush attachment to cover the empty floor. I shook my head then stumbled to the closet myself for a fresh mattress pad. He caught me when I tripped again. 

“Gee, you aren’t sober enough to walk anywhere are you?” I looked into his darkening eyes and swallowed hard. “It’s not that. I’ve been too lazy, and I haven’t been exercising my knee. It gets stiff when I stay in bed too long.” He led me to the chair in the far corner. I sat watching him make my bed. He had to rotate the pad and sheet when they wouldn’t fit the first time. He looked dumbfounded at the top sheet, so I got up to take it from him. He shot me a warning look, but I wouldn’t be deterred. I pulled the sheet from his hands after sitting on the far side of the bed. I turned it right side down and furled it to cover the foot of the bed. Jason’s basic training kicked in, he tucked the bottom under the mattress, then he placed the comforter on the bed. I turned it the right way and we tucked it between the mattress and the foot board. All this work around my bed made me uncomfortable. I told him I would rather move to the living room until his mom arrived. He helped me to my favorite chair just as his mom let herself in the front door. 

Linda and I sat in the living room after Jason left. “I’m so sorry about your father, (y/n).” “Thank you, Linda. I appreciate you sending food and notes after he died. The kids were so sweet bringing me flowers.” We exchanged more small talk until she had a thought. “Where is your mother after all of this?” I explained, “She died a couple of years ago. I set out to find my father after finally settling her estate. She left a box of letters behind. The newest was from this address. I sent a letter to him to see if he was still here. He wrote back, telling me about his illness and when I felt comfortable, I came to see him. Seeing just how sick he was I moved to be with him.” Linda inserted when I took a breath, “But what about your mother made her do that?”  
“My relationship with my mother was complicated. She kept my father from me for all these years. She said, ‘she needed me more than he did.’ She was a mess, so I bought it until I was going through her things and found the letters. I could just kick myself because it took me 2 additional years to find them.” Linda smiled sadly, “wasted time, huh? What about other people in your life?” “There wasn’t anyone else. If I dated, my mother ran them off after a few months. Friends wouldn’t invite me to gatherings because my mom would always find a way to keep me from going. It was just her and me for 40 years. I attended a local college. I worked but I did not travel. My main contact with others was digital because that was safe from my mother’s sabotage.” Linda looked shocked. “That’s awful.” “yeah but, things can be different now. ‘My next 40 years” I tried to sing. 

Linda was sure I was sober enough to be left alone about bedtime. I promised her I would lay off the booze and get back to being human again. To be sure, she made me promise to come by the next morning. I readied for bed then slid into the cool cotton sheets after folding the comforter down. I listened to the quiet house. The air conditioner cycled off, the fridge cycled on. Cars drove slowly down the street outside. I could hear the pool pump running. I turned on a Binaural recording on my cell phone then drifted off to sleep remembering Jason Hayes running a vacuum in my bedroom. 

Linda drove me to the barns the next morning. My boys looked so happy to see me. I wasn’t up to doing much for my boys, so I just loaded their buckets with extra treats and asked Linda to take me home. Instead of taking me to my house, I got Linda to take me to the storage place near our neighborhood. I opened my locker then pulled out my portable sewing machine. I grabbed 4 project boxes as well then locked the unit. I opened the next unit to reveal my horse trailer and truck. I put my things in the back seat of the truck, hugged Linda then climbed into the vintage crew cab. 

I drove the truck to the house and parked in the street. I pulled my father’s car out of the drive then put my “pumpkin” in that place. I put my father’s car behind mine. I reached out to my father’s attorney about probate. He offered to meet me at the house to discuss things. We made an appointment for the next day. 

I brought my sewing machine and projects in placing them on the dining table. I unboxed a set of teddy bear pieces and began sewing. After 2 hours I had assembled 2 bears. I had a collection of fabric bits and string all over me. I grabbed a lint roller from the box to clean myself up. I needed a nap, so I stretched out on the couch to rest for 5-10 minutes. I didn’t wake until after dark. I took my truck to the local craft store to get stuffing for the bears. I picked up Chinese take out as well. I returned to my father’s house to eat and stuff bears. Instead, I took my food to my bedroom. I climbed up in the bed with the remote. I ate, and binge watched Amazon Prime until sleep overtook me again. I left the refuse in the bathroom trash before slipping into bed thinking of Jason Hayes making my bed.  
The next morning, I waved at Linda and the Hayes kids as we all went off to school. I turned in papers and projects that were assigned during my bereavement. I attended classes and went to labs. I went from campus to the barns. I took the boys out for a long ride. I switched horses at the furthest point. Jr. wanted to play so I rode him to bring him back to a rider centric mind. I bedded them down for the night and returned to the house in time to meet the lawyer. We discussed what I could do right away and other things. He gave me the paperwork for my father’s car. He suggested a dealership to take it to. I thanked him for his help then walked him out to his car. I put dad’s sedan in the street then pulled my little car out. I took it to the dealership and sold it. I took an Uber back home. I put the car back in the drive. I saw Jason return from work and waved at him. 

I went back to the bears when I remembered I didn’t get supper. I checked the fridge. There was a casserole from Linda in there. I pulled it out to warm up then settled in to start another bear. When the oven timer went off, I ate at the island from the hot dish. Instead of finishing my bear, I took out my laptop and textbooks. I started in on my reading and notes. I was back in bed again by midnight. I slept in since it was a weekend. I swam in the pool, dressed for the barns then went see my boys. 

Jason stopped to watch as Pumpkin rumbled up. I backed into a parking spot near the barn. He jogged over to look my baby over. She was a custom cab 1978 Ford F150. A wreck had given me the option to make it a 4 door truck so I had lengthened the cab. I had it painted a matte orange and put the original detailing stripes back on it. There was chrome on every surface possible. Jason whistled softly then Mikey and Emma asked about the truck. I explained that it was my first vehicle. My grandfather bought it for me from a neighbor. I worked summers and weekends to pay for the upkeep. I blew the engine in it twice. The first time I put in a crate engine. The second time I put in a used motor bought off another neighbor. “It has a 351 cubic inch. Winsor built motor, with a Holley double pumper carburetor, custom police interceptor transmission and drive shaft, with dual exhaust with 30” glass pack mufflers. Of course, I’ve driven it so hard that the glass is gone and the mufflers act as echo chambers instead. Mikey said, “yeah she purred as you pulled up.” I smiled as Emma opened the cab door and the running board slid down. She stepped inside then closed the door. I pushed a button on the remote to roll down the windows, it opened the beer window in the back too. “Cool” the kids said in unison. 

Jason invited me for pizza, but I wanted to play with my boys. They stayed to help. I pulled out balls and a barrel. We carried them over to a small turn out paddock then I brought the boys to play. They kicked the balls, picked them up with their teeth and put them in the barrel. They guarded the barrel from each other and us. Linda brought pizza and pop to us. We sat outside the paddock to eat on a blanket I kept in the truck. We laughed at the horses. I told the Hayes family that the horses were raised with basketball playing donkeys. I explained that the donkeys were ridden or guided around the basketball court, so the humans could play. The herd would mimic their game partners with sticks or rocks putting them in certain corners or in buckets they could wrench from the barn walls. The boys have been away for so long I knew they needed the fun.” 

When the boys bored of the games, we cleaned them up and returned them to the stalls. I invited the kids to come swim for the afternoon. Jason tried to say no but the kids pushed him into it. Linda, Jason and I watched them play while we talked about nothing. Jason asked about the donkeys and the farm. “The farm was where my grandfather ran rabbits and coons with dogs at night. I grew up visiting the family so when I inherited the horses, I asked to board the boys there. Cash, the grandson my age was taking over. He found this herd of donkeys. He bought them, trained how to handle them. I invested in the farm when my grandfather passed away. When my grandmother passed their estate went to me. I took care of my mother, so they felt it was best that way. I bought some acreage next to Cash’s place and he farmed it. When my mother died, I bought more land. I went out there everyday to see the boys. It became part of my routine. Cash paid back my investment and bought all my land when I brought the boys out here. I still have a house in Sand Springs, Oklahoma. I’ll probably go back there to practice when I finish my Ph. D.” Jason and Linda looked surprised. You could see they wanted to ask but they wouldn’t. Manners insisted we didn’t discuss money like that. Linda asked about my studies. I asked about Jason’s work and team. 

When supper time rolled around Linda and I cooked while the kids cleaned up. We settled down to play games for the rest of the night. Linda sent the kids to bed at midnight. Jason asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink. I turned him down. “It’s too late.” “Tomorrow then?” I tried to say no but he promised it was just a friendly drink. “I’ll introduce you to my team.” I agreed. 

After dinner Sunday afternoon, I met Jason at a bar close to the base. At a group of tables at the far end of the bar was 4 men and a woman having a good time. I asked, who was the designated driver that night. They all said “Charlie” in unison. Charlie, I learned was their favorite Uber driver. He had clearance to get on the base and drove a big van. Seats shifted so that I was squeezed between Sonny and Jason. Lisa on the other side of Sonny looked jealous so she turned her attention to Brock and Clay. They took turns feeding quarters to a juke box. We groaned or exclaimed approval for the choices. 

On my way back from the bathroom Sonny and I pass. He tries to grind on me to Nine Inch Nails, “Closer.” I pull him close and put him through intense near make out moments on the dance floor. As the song changes, I turn to run smack into Jason. He has a dark look on his face, Sonny had a hand on my waist trying to pull me back to him but seeing Jason’s look, I feel him back away. Jason swallows then tries to act like he is headed for the bathroom, but I give him a challenging smile. He pulls me against him in a tight embrace then starts to sway and turn to Hall and Oats, “I Can’t Go For That.” The full body contact and swaying feels more erotic than grinding on Sonny. Once again as the song ends, I turn away from him with a smirk on my face and I’m right back on the dance floor this time with Lisa, Brock and Clay to C+C Music Factory’s, “Gonna Make You Sweat.” Once everyone had a chance to dance with me, we sat down. The waitress brought over another round of beers, but I asked for something stronger. Sonny suggested tequila but I shook my head. I followed the waitress to the bar. The bartender and I discussed drinks. He could do the typical whiskey mixed with cola, but I finally pulled out my cellphone and asked him to make me a Liquid Cocaine cocktail. He put it in a large plastic glass. He took my phone and texted the recipe from my phone to his and I asked for him to send this and a water to me each time he saw my water was empty. I gave him my credit card. I came back with my drinks. Sonny asked about my drink. I told him he couldn’t handle it. He laughed and took a sip. His face burned afterward. “Whoooo, that is one strong drink.” I smiled then turned to Jason again. He had his arms crossed on his chest. The dark look was back. I shot him a cool smile. “Hillbilly Deluxe” by Brooks & Dunn came up, Sonny pulled me back to the dance floor. The next 4 country songs I stayed on the dance floor with Sonny. The music died down for a while and we talked about things like drinks and cars. Jason mentioned pumpkin and Sonny turned to jello next to me. I pulled my phone out to show him pictures. Sonny invited himself to my house to see it, “sometime.” Jason said it was probably time to call Charlie. We discouraged him. We all had work the next morning, but Jason had invited us all out on a Sunday, he couldn’t call, “Boss man” in the prime of the evening. I teased him that he was getting too old to shut the place down. He looked at me. He knew I was only a few years younger than he was. “Last call” came from the bartender at 1:30 a.m. Jason called for Charlie, but Charlie was driving a party bus that night. He said he was empty but couldn’t pick them up at Uber rates. I took the phone. I told him to bring it on over. I made arrangements for payment and we closed the bar down then stepped into the party bus. Charlie apologized that the bus wasn’t cleared to go on the base. Sonny, Brock, Lisa and Clay moaned. I suggested they all crash at my place. Lisa didn’t think that was a good idea and asked to be dropped off at a friend’s place. Sonny looked taken aback when we stopped at Clay’s old apartment building. Clay asked him who lived there beside Stella then he remembered, “Danny? Really?” Sonny nodded his head. 

The counselor in me wanted to ask questions but, Jason put a hand on my shoulder to keep me in the seat near him. We pulled up in front of my house. We all piled out. I sent Sonny and Brock to my dad’s room I had pulled the twin beds apart last week and made the beds with smaller blankets. For Clay, I sent him to the full bed in the guest room. I offered Jason the murphy bed in the den, but he said he was going to head home. I smiled a big smile at him, “you really trust me with your men?” He smiled back, “Yeah, Sonny is too hammered to do anything. You are not Brock’s type and Clay was shaken seeing Stella’s apartment. You’re safe with them.” I gave him a hug then walked him to the door. He walked down the street to his house. I turned to see Sonny standing in his boxers in the door way. He had a wicked grin on his face. I smiled back at him. He started humming a song and swaying. I danced him back to his bed. He pulled me down for a kiss, but I turned my head and he frenched my ear instead. I started laughing. “Aw, don’t laugh girl, that makes my manhood shrink.” I couldn’t help it and Brock started laughing too. I showed Brock where the murphy bed was, so he didn’t have to hear Sonny whine. I went across the hall to my room. I closed and locked the door. I didn’t really sleep. I lay there thinking about Jason holding me in his arms. It had been fun to dance with the guys although I was taller than Sonny, but pretty much looked Brock and Clay in the eye. 

After a few hours of deep alcohol induced sleep, Jason stopped to pick up his men. I was already up. I had changed into my barn clothes and was about to wake my houseguests. Jason sent me off to the barn. I watched his bleary-eyed men climb into his truck and they left for work. After attending my college courses, I returned to the house to strip the beds and start laundry. Monday’s were my light day at the University, so I put in hard work at home. I had stopped at Best Buy to pick up a wireless home speaker system. I went around the house putting the speakers in various rooms. The main controller was set beside my spot in the living room. 

Installing the speakers, I discovered dust bunnies. I turned on my favorite play list and started in the back-guest room. I found lots of things that should be donated as I worked. By the time the list restarted I had the hall full of boxes and bins. Emma came in the back door looking for me and I got her to turn off the playlist. She teased me about building a fort in my hall way. I laughed too. She called from the far side of the pile that she would return and in seconds she had her dad, grandmother and brother helping her “dig me out.” Linda offered to help me arrange a garage sale. I told her I would rather donate it to the local veteran’s association. She looked at Jason. He pulled out his phone to call someone. In half an hour I had pulled all my father’s things out to sort through. When the crew arrived to take the donations away, I saw it was Jason’s squad with an additional 5 people. 

Jason introduced Ray, his wife and children, then pulled a tall lanky guy into the group. “This is Danny, our local veteran.” I instantly flashed to hearing the man’s name on Clay’s lips last night. My eyes sought out Sonny and Lisa, they were laughing in the corner near Clay, who still looked haunted by last night. My attention snapped back to the hairless man with scars and a limp. I shook his hand and thanked him for his service and sacrifice. Quickly the men had the boxes loaded into a moving van. Ray and Danny left with the truck. Lisa, Linda, and Emma had my rooms back into shape, beds made, and dust bunnies removed. To thank everyone of for their help I ordered pizzas and pasta. I pulled the pickles and olives I had stock piled from the cabinets and fridge. We snacked on chips and briny snacks until the meal arrived. When Ray returned, he had cases of beer. I pulled a case of whiskey from the garage. “Looks like the party is at my house.” I called. 

We settled at the extended table with the kids to play triple Farkle. We had three sets of dice going when Mikey brought a fourth going. He was really happy to roll all ones until his grandmother and sister did the same thing. Looking I realized those were my dad’s loaded dice. I called a halt to rolling then explained my father had loaded those to pull out when he was playing with his buddies. I rolled my eyes when the dice were split to replace two of each other batch. We listened to my playlist and played and ate for hours before the kids got bored. Mikey moved to my gaming system followed by his dad. Emma pulled out a crochet hook and some yarn. She made a chain out of the whole mini skein then pulled it out, rolled it up and started again. Linda pulled her grandkids away at bedtime. Ray and his family left as well to put the baby to bed. I looked at the group left and thought, here we go again. I handed Sonny a deck of cards then went to the cupboard for the cookies and plastic bowels. 

We played cookie poker until Midnight when I told the group my house was about to turn into a pumpkin. With kisses on my cheeks the remaining young guys and Lisa left. Sonny leaned heavily on the woman, but she looked relieved that he didn’t want to stay. Jason is the last one left in my house. He sat on the couch bending the crochet hook Emma left behind. The point of the hook punctured Jason’s camo shorts and his thigh before he knew what was happening. He stood and the hook snapped. Blood came running down his leg. I was dumbfounded. I ran for clean towels and tape. He pressed the towels to his inner thigh and murmured a curse word in pain. I looked at the hook in the floor. The hook was missing and about half an inch of shaft. He asked me if I would take it out. I told him “no, we were going to the ER.” He almost refused until I told him he would have to tell the medics in the morning if he didn’t go now, plus the hook was wood and I didn’t know what kind of wood. I used duct tape to secure the towel then lead him to my truck. He asked for the car but I told him no. It had leather seats, blood would stain the seats. The truck’s seat was vinyl. He slid in to the passenger seat and I got in behind the wheel. When she roared to life Jason forgot his pain for a few moments. He slipped into the seatbelt and I gunned it a little too hard leaving the driveway then again on the street. Jason laughed as he moved his leg. Again the pain set in as we rumbled down the road to the hospital. 

The nurse in the ER tried hard not to laugh when Jason explained he had sat on a crochet hook. They took him straight back and started to cut off his shorts with the duct tape. He protested loudly. I had followed them into the exam area and offered to buy him a new set. The nurse told him she would send him home in a set of scrubs. The nurse started to smile broadly again when she discovered that Jason did not have on any underwear. She made a move to pull the sheet up over his manhood and a snort escaped. A fit of giggles doubled the woman over and she had to leave the room. A male nurse came in afterward to liberate Jason of his shorts and a doctor followed quickly after hearing the hysterical laughter from the other nurse. The hook had imbedded itself at the top of Jason’s inner thigh where his scrotum met the leg. The whole length was buried in his leg. They numbed Jason’s leg and tried to remove the hook. It caught on something, so they decided to move him to the surgical suite and remove it there. They left me in the exam room to wait. I called his mother but told her I would stay until she could get the kids off to school in the morning. 

After 2 hours the doctor came back to tell me Jason would be staying overnight. He had lost quite a bit of blood in the procedure, so they were going to watch him. I called, Sonny because I had his number. I heard Lisa in the background. I told him about Jason being in the hospital and asked him about protocol to tell their superiors. Sonny told me he would take care of it. An orderly lead me to Jason’s room. It had a bunk in it for spouses to stay with their person. I was instructed to keep Jason in bed. I was shown where the pee bottle was and the sanitary wipes. Jason was watching us with a big grin on his face. “They have him on pain medications. When the blood pooled in his scrotum it put tremendous pressure on his testicles. The gonads don’t like that kind of pressure and will be sore for at least a week. “There will be swelling and pain, so the icepacks help.” At that point I was shown how to lay one ice pack under Jason’s balls then another over them with a protecting towel on each leg and under his penis. When the professional called me Mrs. Hayes, Jason tried to correct her but got all tongue tied. He sang songs while under the influence. He told dirty jokes and stories. When he started talking to me like I was Alana, I asked him to close his eyes for a few seconds and he was out. I had made a promise, so I curled on the bunk and listened to his rustling the sheets as he slept. 

I woke when he asked where his shoes were. I asked why he needed his shoes. He was still out of it, but he was going to work. I told him he didn’t have to work today so he should get back into bed. He argued with me while growling about the pain. When the medication meter gave him the needed dose of pain medication, he settled back on the bed. I lifted his legs and helped him get settled then I replaced the ice packs and towels. He was still lucid enough to know it was me not a nurse, so he started smiling and joking about his package. I lifted the rail to keep him in the bed and I laid back down. The doctor on his morning rounds woke us both. Jason had ripped out a stitch in his effort to go to work, so they gave him a local and replaced the stitch right there with me in the room. Jason asked when he could return to work. The doctor said he would recommend 2 weeks off because of the trauma to his groin. The stitches could come out in 10 days. Jason asked about going home. The doctor said he needed to wait until the afternoon. 

Jason, when he was lucid, would talk and tell dirty jokes. He would drift off singing not long after he got his next dose of morphine. Around 2 p.m. the doctor returned to release Jason. His mom had been there but had left to pick the kids up from school and run her afternoon errands. I took Jason home in the truck. We filled his prescriptions on the way. His house was locked up tight when we arrived. I went down to my house to get my spare key, but Jason followed me in to use the facilities. He went into my bathroom, then as I was searching for the key, he settled down in my bed to sleep. I found him sprawled on my side of the bed. I called Linda and told her what had happened. She said just leave him there. He’ll come home when he’s awake. Jason slept 12 hours straight. He was coming back from the bathroom early in the morning when he noticed me asleep in my reading chair. I was so tired and sore he put me in my bed in my place still warm from him being there then settled in beside me. 

I awoke at 11 a.m. with Jason curled around me. He was moaning in pain but still too asleep to move. I slid out of his arms then retrieved icepacks from the freezer. I picked up towels and Jason’s pain pills on my way back. I pulled a sports drink from the mini fridge in my room and woke Jason to take his pills. I gave him the icepacks and the towels, but he fumbled with them, so I helped him place them without looking at his poor swollen genitals. I called Linda to let her know he was still sleeping we discussed clothing options and I was looking at his discharge papers. “They recommend a jock strap, do you know if he has one?” She said she would look for one then buy one if needed and drop it off. Not long after we ended our call Linda dropped off the garment and some loose shorts. After another pain pill I convinced Jason he needed to wear the jock strap. He stepped into it as I held it for him. He pulled the item in place and the pressure on his balls took his breath away. Again, we applied the ice pack and the pills kicked in. He was asleep in my bed in minutes. I settled into the chair to listen to a book and knit. 

After a few hours Jason needed a pain pill again. I insisted he eat before taking the next one. I placed the dinner his mother had made for us on a tray and brought it too him in my bed. I opened the door to the television over my fireplace then pulled the remote from its box on my bedside table. Jason tuned in to his favorite channel and I resumed my spot in my chair. We made small talk for a while. Eventually his talk turned to work and what he was going to do. I shook my head. Ray had picked up the paperwork from me the first afternoon. I figured Jason would have to go in soon and told him he could not drive while taking that medication, so Ray would come get him when he was ready. Jason looked a little sad, he said he wasn’t ready to spend all day in Alana’s house again. I looked at him then.  


“We were legally separated the year before she died. But I went on a mission and came back with a severe concussion. I spent 6 weeks recovering from that at her place. It was almost like it was when we were married. But that day, she was talking to me about my future. Where I would go from that point. I had returned to work, but I didn’t feel 100%. She was talking about me getting my own place again. I didn’t want to face that so, I asked her for more beer. She died getting me what I wanted.” He looked away out my bedroom door and swallowed back the tears. “The house, that house, wasn’t really mine. I lived there but it wasn’t my home. The house I had designed for us was supposed to be my home, so nothing has ever taken hold in my heart. Now, I don’t think I can continue to live there but taking those connections from the kids would probably kill me. Like here, you have all the little things I thought I might want in my actual home. A fireplace in the bedroom, a hidden television, the bathroom off the den for changing out of wet bathing suits straight from the pool, the pool. It doesn’t have an upstairs but there’s so much space.” I stayed quiet. I knew he still needed to talk. He was mapping out his future. The injury had slowed him down enough to think about it. 

“When is your enlistment time up?” I asked. “I have another 2 years and I just knew I would reenlist at the end of it, but I don’t think I can, not after Alana being gone.” “Have you thought about a retirement plan?” Jason said, “With my retirement, the life insurance and savings, I wouldn’t really have to work. But not working is not an option. I have to have something to do.” “What would you like to do then?” “I want to build that house I was talking about. There are 2 lots on the opposite side of the greenbelt behind my house. They are at the far end, still in the kids school district but not in this part of the housing edition.” I knew the lots he talked about, my father had owned them. He did things like that. He bought lots of land. He invested in growing businesses. Now I had those returns coming to me. Jason went right on. “I don’t know how the kids would feel. I mean, we don’t have a den so I’m bunking in with Mikey or on the couch. We need another bedroom, but I couldn’t add another floor to that house. But the kids, they would hate moving.” He stopped talking because he had gone from being upset to feeling guilty. My mom’s talking about us moving too. She wants her own space she says. The master bedroom is not big enough for her. She wants a crafting room. She loves your house, you know.” I smiled at him. I knew. She and I had talked about it while he was away on missions and I wasn’t in class. 

We made quilts for the veteran’s association to auction off or for beds of injured soldiers when the got their new houses. “oh I know I added. She has practically invited herself to live here a couple of times. She enjoys the crafting room very much. She also enjoyed helping me design and build the table we used the other day.” He stopped thinking and said, “you made that?” I nodded. “My grandfather was a master wood worker. I grew up working with him in his shop. I also rebuilt the house they lived in once when a tornado took the roof off and a wall out. And I mean I did it, demo, framing, sheet rock, contracting. I have also helped build homes for heroes here in town.” He looked at me with awe on his face. Then he went back to talking about his house. By Saturday, the kids had moved into my house and didn’t seem to have any regrets. Linda packed up that week and went back to Texas to get her house on the market. I called a cousin in the business and they helped her pack what she wanted to keep and put it in storage or on a truck to bring to Virginia. She signed off on an update that would get her top dollar. By the end of Jason’s medical leave, the kids were convinced to sell Alana’s house.  


Jason appropriated the pool house for himself. It wasn’t more than a shed but I talked the kids into helping me and we put up everything he needed and broke through to the wash room in the garage. Our first night as pseudo family in the house, Jason started talking about building the house. “I happen to know who owns those lots you are talking about. It’s me, my father bought them a long time ago. When you’re ready to build, let me know.”  


Jason and I went to the bank and the lawyer’s office the last week day he had off. We signed paperwork for the lots and Jason hired a contractor I recommended. Each day after work we would talk about the house. The kids were excited about the things they could get for their rooms. Linda was happy to be getting her own space. I enjoyed having the bustling family in the house with me. Linda watched Jason and me carefully for the first month. She may have had a worry about the arrangement for a while but eventually she settled in. Once a week the squad would converge for cookie poker and Farkle. 

Sonny stopped hitting on me after the Hayes family moved in with me. I teased him quite a bit when he was there without Lisa being there too. He handled the ribbing easily. Emma took the responsibility of putting her crochet away seriously after Jason’s accident. On December 5th Linda brought home a Christmas tree. She asked me about decorations, but I didn’t have any. She wrote my cousin to ship hers then she took the kids shopping. I texted her to use the household account debit card not Jason’s and they came back with all manner of things. I couldn’t watch them trim the tree, so I retreated to my room. The kids were melancholy, but they talked about their mom with Linda and Jason. Emma came to my room at bedtime to give me a hug. “I know we weren’t the only ones to lose a parent. I’m so sorry you couldn’t share your stories too.” I kissed the top of her head and she went off to bed. I passed through the living room to the crafting room and onto the pool deck after I heard the bedroom doors shut. Jason found me on my favorite lounger staring at the stars. 

“I heard Emma talk about your memories. Did you have any that don’t hurt?” I shook my head then thought about it. “There was the year my mom woke me in the middle of the night to take me to my grandparent’s house to see the present he left for me there. It was a child’s size table and chairs. I used that for a long time even after I out grew the chairs. But celebrating Christmas in my homes wasn’t a large tree and decorations. We put out a small ceramic tree, pinned stocking to the curtain, placed a Nativity on the end table, maybe hung some garland and that was it. When we went to church, I was part of the plays, but my grandparents didn’t go, and my mother only went occasionally. The never went to the school programs either. We exchanged presents but there was always a lot of drama involved in it. Meals with extended family weren’t part of the holiday’s either. My father didn’t believe in the religious aspect, so he refused to celebrate it. We did things on war holidays, though.” I was sniffling again, so Jason pulled me up and lead me to his room in the pool house. 

He sat me on the sofa and handed me a roll of toilet paper. He sat on the coffee table in front of me. He didn’t have the words to say. He just sat there. Eventually he moved to the sofa beside me. I leaned into him. He asked more about my father, but I didn’t have anything to say. I pulled away when the tears ran out. I moved to extend my knee when Jason noticed the swelling. He panicked at the look at my leg. I told him I was alright, it would be fine in the morning. He looked skeptical. He carried me back to my bedroom then put an icepack on my knee and left me to sleep. 

The next morning, he checked on my knee. It was back to normal size. He was satisfied that I could use it. He went off to work. Linda took the kids to school. I went to the university. At the end of the day we all converged on my house. Jason was helping me get my books out of the cab when I stepped wrong and my knee gave way. I fell against Jason knocking him to the ground. We fell in a jumble of limbs. Once again, we went to the emergency room. We took an ambulance this time. My knee was broken. Jason had a concussion again. With his post-concussion syndrome from the previous year. He didn’t recover quickly. Linda made an executive decision and put Mikey’s beds in my room so she could keep an eye on both of her charges. I was confined to a wheel chair for the first 2 weeks so Jason took to calling me “Wheels.” The kids stopped calling him dad to join me in calling him, “knot head” He had an egg sized bruise on his forehead just over his left eye. 

We sat in our respective beds trading barbs and dirty jokes when our medicine was working and sleeping when the pain was too much to bear. My hopes of finishing my course work at VWU for the semester had died on the driveway. Jason teased me about my old lady hobbies but by the end of the third week of being on medical leave he was cutting out pieces for me and pressing squares. Linda allowed us to have the beds returned to their original rooms, but Jason was expected to sleep in Mikey’s room not in the pool house. One weekend the kids had signed up for a long weekend trail ride and Linda took the weekend to entertain a visiting friend in Norfolk. Jason was looking after me with my limited mobility. He cooked and cleaned up after us while we worked. He followed me to the bathroom one night to make sure I was safely settled on the bench in the shower. He looked at me funny when I told him I could handle the shower and disrobing on my own. We had been pretty much inseparable for the whole of 2 days. I called to my voice-controlled speaker in my bathroom to play some of my favorite music. Brooks & Dunn singing “I Am That Man” sounded awesome in the fully tiled room. I sang along.

Outside in my bedroom the speaker by my bed was playing the same tunes. Jason sat on my bed listening to me sing along with the old country music songs. Steve Wariner sang “You Can Dream of Me” then Alabama started in on “Feels So Right” Jason left the room then the house. I managed to get out of the shower, wrap in a bath sheet and get into my bedroom. I couldn’t reach far enough to my right foot to get a pair of panties over my cast. I called out to Jason admitting I needed the help. He didn’t answer me. I called his cell phone, but it rang and rang in the kitchen. Feeling like a hussy, I hobbled into the kitchen in a granny gown and nothing else. I found Jason’s phone. I checked the other rooms in the house, but I couldn’t manage the step down to the pool deck. I just went back to my room to rest from my exertions. 

I hadn’t had lunch so when I took my pain pill it went straight to my head. I laid in my bed high as a kite singing along with the songs still playing on the speaker. Some of the lyrics were very suggestive and I put lots of emotion into my sing-a-long. I heard Jason come in the house after a while and I didn’t think about him hearing me or my music when I switched from country hits to pop and rock. I also didn’t know he could hear my music playing on the speaker in the kitchen. I sang along to “Lady Marmalade” by Patti Labelle. A string of George Michaels hits came on ending with “I Want Your Sex.” Jason came to my room to tell me dinner was ready just as I was trying to get the long gown untangled from around my hips. There was a flash of one hip then an inner thigh and finally in my worked-up state, I whipped the gown off over my head. I flung the whole long flowing gown across the room. 

Jason stopped talking and stood there looking at me for long seconds. I hadn’t noticed him. I lowered my cast to the floor and pulled my naked body up on the crutches. I grumbled about finding a way to get into my short and tank top when I noticed Jason staring at me. He swallowed hard but didn’t turn away. My lower lip trembled when I started to ask him where he had been. Jason’s hard features softened as he stepped up to me and gently took me in his arms. “I’m sorry sweetheart. I got caught up in my emotions and needed to take a break.” I started to cry as I explained that I needed help getting my undies on. Jason moved to reach in the closet for the clothing I wanted but I couldn’t let him go. He slowly and carefully lowered us onto my bed. He held me as I cried until I was out of tears. He kissed the moisture from my cheeks. His lips traveled slowly across my face. When I returned the kisses as he neared my lips, he inhaled deeply. Carefully he pulled a hand loose from holding me and ran it down my arm, he moved to my hip then slid it across my lower back. He took his time exploring my body with his hands and eyes. He was learning my body. His face showed a myriad of emotions as he touched places that were dimpled or curved on my body. He allowed me to keep one hand of fingers in his hair but if I moved to place a hand under his shirt or on his exploring arm he would kiss me and move the hand back under my head. 

The long minutes of his touching lead him to taste my taut nipples. He moved small tender kisses down my neck, chest and belly. His mouth followed his fingers across the wild mat of my pubic hair. His tongue found the nub of my clitoris while his fingers slid into my depths. He lifted my good leg so that it rested on his back and pulled my legs open wide so he had space to move near the long cast on my other leg. He kept one hand splayed around my bent hip holding me in place while he licked and sucked in the tender part of my body. I buried both hands in his hair massaging his scalp as he massaged my center. Raising up on his elbows his face glistening with the juices of my cum he smiled at me. Cat like he rose on his hands and knees and crawled over me. Keeping my one hip cocked to stay open for him he lowered as he undid the buttons of his fly. He managed to put a condom on one handed before he took the extended time he needed to enter me without causing me pain. Taking in his length and girth was startling to me. The careful movements he used seated him fully in me as he settled between my legs and wrapped his arms around my back. He moved languidly in long tantalizing strokes. He would move most of his body down mine to bring his shaft fully out of me then pull himself back up into my depths. More soft and searching kisses left me breathless as he took his time rocking into me. His comfortable pace pulled me to the edge of climax and pushed me over time after time. His body sometimes shook under the tight reign he kept on his enthusiasm. When an extra hard orgasm locked me around his member, he made to withdraw as far as he could but his body betrayed him and he exploded in a forceful stream. The release brought a low rumble of praise of my body tumbling from his lips. He rolled us to our sides so my cocked hip could relax. He placed a knee under my cast to support it. He folded his long arms around me as sounds of pleasure continued to come from his throat. 

The coolness of the air conditioner on my naked body caused me to shiver in his arms. He pulled the comforter up from the side of the bed and cocooned us in a dark pocket of tenderness. He continued to kiss me as he massaged my scalp with one hand. The other hand ran slowly and softly up and down my back. The warmth of a heavy blanket and two bodies brought sweat to his forehead and upper lip quickly. I flipped the top end of the blanket back from our heads. Jason inhaled deeply. I slipped a hand under his shirt and felt the bare skin where his shorts had slid below his butt. The soft hair of his legs and lower back tickled him as I ran my hand across his skin. He chuckled softly. I shifted so that he was withdrawn from me and I rolled him away from me onto his back. I worked at his shirt until he took it off. I slipped it over myself. I stretched to coax him out of his shorts. I dropped them into the floor beside the bed. Before he gave up his shorts, he removed a wad of tissues from the pocket. He used this to remove the condom and clean himself up. Although I was starting to feel pain from my pill wearing off, I ran my hands over his body as far as I could reach. When my light touch created tightening muscles, I would deepen my pressure to relax the contractions. Eventually Jason was putty in my hands as I massaged the muscles. At one point he got out of the bed, pulled on the comforter and slid me to the other side of the bed. He moved to my side, so I could roll to the hip of the injured leg. I could get better pressure if I sat up. I massaged him from head to toe, he moved his body, so I could reach over and over again. We didn’t talk. He just hummed along with the music as I sang softly. 

Darkness fell in the room and I broke the spell. I told Jason I was hungry and needed another pill. He looked at the clock on the bedside table and groaned that everything would be cold. He pushed up off his stomach another erection appeared from beneath his prone body. He put on his shorts and tucked it away. “Must feed my pet” he whispered after he kissed me. He returned to the bed with a warm plate and a glass of milk. He left again after another kiss. He returned again, with a warm plate and a beer. We ate in the bed with the television talking softly about sports. Jason fed me from his plate before he speared morsels from my plate to feed himself. His hand would rest on my leg and push the hem of his t-shirt up so he could glimpse the curls between my legs. Once he had dispatched the dishes back to the dishwasher and put away the leftovers he returned to lay between my legs. He laid on his side leaning over my thigh. He had a hand holding up his head as the other hand touched the skin below the hem of his t-shirt. It was then he wanted to talk about sexual histories. 

“I want to confess, I have had other lovers besides my late wife. There were times when I strayed. I’ve done my best to be careful though. Alana dated while we were separated, and we made love during our separation, but I was always protected. Of course, I have medical check ups often, so I have a clean bill of health. But the biggest thing is I have never felt someone as small as you in the beginning but able to take me all in with out pain, protest or lots of alcohol.” I swallowed in embarrassment. I have had a few lovers myself, but I haven’t been with anyone in about 7 years. I have been careful too but there’s one other thing. I don’t have a uterus anymore. I was pregnant once, I was in a car accident. They had to take the baby by c-section. The baby and the father died in the car accident. I still have my ovaries if I ever want to try having a baby through surrogacy, but I don’t think I would ever want to try that. I’m too old really. My gynecologist insisted that I still come in every year for blood work and breast cancer screenings, so I’m clean too.” Jason is stroking in my folds with his knuckles as we talk, I finish my statements breathless. A few deliberate movements with his hand and my eyes roll back in my head. I lean back in the bed giving him room to move again. 

Jason strips off his shorts then pulls his shirt off me. Skin to skin, he enters me. He’s still slow and gentle but the feel of his chest against mine and being able to rub my leg down his hip to his knee excites me more than the fact that he doesn’t have a condom on. His rocking is a little faster and he pushes his whole body up away from me as he withdraws. The control he has over his whole body amazes me but the coolness of air between us makes me want to claw at him to pull him back to me. After climaxing around him from the torture of his push-ups, I lock my leg around his leg. When he pushes away from me, he pulls that leg up and changes the pressure points. He slides back in quickly fighting to maintain control. I mentally work myself up to pull my muscles together and without climax or spasm I clamp down on his penis. I shift my pelvis down just enough to increase the pressure on him as he pulls out. The enjoyment of the extra effort from me ripples through his body. Pressing back into my center brings him to a rocking climax. He roars in delight of the feeling, as he cums hard and fast. 

Once again, he pulls me on my side and cradles my cast on his leg. He holds me and runs his hand up and down my back until I’m snoring in his arms. I wake when he rolls me onto my back. He lays on top of me kissing, nuzzling and nipping at my breasts in prelude to making love to me again. He makes sure I’m awake and willing before he enters my body. Hungrily he moves against me. He speaks of his need in my ears as we rock against each other. When I drill down on his cock once more, he pulls my hands above my head and holds them there in one strong hand. The one-sided support once again changes his angle of entry and he loses his control. He tries to slam into me but the strength in my thighs hold him back enough to allow good access but not harming penetration. He calms, enough to enjoy the moments before my climax releases him and he follows me over the edge into the abyss. Breathing hard, he rolls from me. I swing into an upright position, so I can stand. Jason scrambles to come to my side. He clears a path to the bathroom and makes sure I’m where I intend to land before shutting the door. so I can have some privacy. When I call to him, he brings in the pajamas he’s seen me in before. He kneels naked in the bathroom floor sliding my panties and shorts over my cast then holding the other side out he makes sure they are straight and holds me up, so I can get them in place. Pulling me close he kisses me deeply then leans down to suckle each breast before helping me with my crutches. 

When he gets me back to the bed, he hands me my top. The shirt is high necked. After he steps into his own sleep shorts, he pulls his pocket knife from the cargo shorts he wore most of the day. Flicking the blade open he chooses a point between my breast pulls the shirt away from my skin and face. He slices a slit up to the neck then through the ribbing. He tucks the flaps back into my shirt so a swell of both breasts is visible. He leans down and kisses me on the chest between my breasts. He moves up my chest to my neck under my ear then kisses me deeply on the mouth. We are both fighting fatigue when the kiss ends and we yawn in unison. I ask for a bottle of sports drink. Jason returns from the kitchen with 2 before crawling over me into the bed. I take my pain pill then ease down under the covers. Jason slides down with me then pulls me into his arms. Another kiss and yawn he says, “good night” I return the wishes for a good night. We sleep until the early morning light enters the room. 

Knowing that the kids and his mom will be home soon, Jason takes his things back to the pool house. He gives me a bra and unaltered top. We return to watching television in the living room and making quilt squares. The kids and Linda return. Linda catches Jason’s tender touches and our secret smiles. She frowns but goes through the rest of the night. Once the kids are in bed, she asks to talk to Jason in the pool house. I know what is coming. Jason doesn’t come back to the house. Linda asks if I need help going to bed or something, but her words show she doesn’t mean it. I get up from my new chair and hobble to my bed. I watch television as I make plans for meals for the rest of the week. I send my shopping list to the local delivery service for the next day. I send a few emails then try to sleep. 

The next day, I ask Linda to take me to the airport after the groceries are delivered. She takes me to the private flight entrance and to the plane. A flight attendant helps me aboard. Linda follows me. I tell her I’ll just be a few days. I need to see a specialist in Tulsa and check on my house. She pretends she’s concerned about me. Her voice has a lilt of relief as she says goodbye. When we are cleared for take off, I relax and nap through the flight. Cash is at the airport to pick me up. His wife hugs me and helps me into the back seat of the sedan I had them rent. We share updates on the way to the house. Cash’s daughter is there to help me while I’m in Sand Springs. She will drive me to my appointments. I ask the family to take me over to the orthopedics’ office right then. The head of the practice watches as they x-ray my leg and take the cast off. He looks over my leg, has a new cast put on and we talk about the possibility of surgery. He clears me to fly back to Virginia Beach. 

I stayed until Friday when Emma calls crying. She had a big fight with her dad because he’s been a surly jerk the whole week. “It’s like my mom died again. I don’t know if it’s from this last concussion or something else is going on.” “No honey, it’s not that. It’s because I left without notice. I don’t think he was paying attention when I told him I wanted to come home to see a specialist I trusted. Then I left while he was at his doctor’s appointment and checking in on base.” He fought with your grandmother the night y’all came home, then I kinda ran away. I’ll be home late tonight.” We concluded our call and Darlene took me back to the airport. She had called the pilot when she heard me talking to Emma. I had to wait for a while before we were cleared for take-off. I napped before and during the flight. Emma and Jason were at the airport waiting for me when we landed at 2 a.m. Emma promised she would still go to school that day. Mikey was asleep in my bed waiting for me. He hugged me, then scolded me for leaving without warning. I promised to be there when he came home from school. 

Linda apologized for her reaction to seeing Jason being affectionate. I apologized for not warning her about it before she came home. I made it clear to her though, I wouldn’t tolerate her treating me as an interloper. She turned back on me. “If you hurt my son like you did Monday, you will pay for it in more ways than you can contemplate.” She walked away from me. Jason and I heard her slam her bedroom door. Jason kissed and hugged on me until I could see the fever beginning. I begged off for the morning. “After the kids are off to school we should go to the construction site. Then we can talk about how we are going to proceed.” Jason reluctantly left me in my bed and went to camp out on the sofa until the kids were off to school. 

Once Linda and the kids left he was in my bed, naked and filled with longing. He held me and talked though. “My mom says this is too soon. It’s been over a year though. Longer if you count the separation. I don’t know where this is going with us and my mom thinks we should have never let the kids get close to you if we aren’t going to be permanent.” “Listen Jason, I’m not sure about where we are going yet either. I do know, I have to go back home in a few months. My leg is not healing like it’s suppose to. I knew it, which is why I went to see my specialist. I’m going to Tulsa to have that surgery and I won’t be able to travel for 12 weeks. Cash is coming to get my boys at the end of the semester when he can bring the family. I’m hoping by then your house will be finished and I’ll have the space for them here. Meanwhile, we can cool it until we know how we want to go on. Think about it, Jason. I love your kids, your mom, and I could very easily completely love you, but I don’t think I could take it if you changed your mind later.” I laid my head against his chest and listened to his heart beat. 

“This isn’t how most relationships begin,” Jason answered. “Technically we should have never started because of your professional ethics. But first you were taking care of me then we both needed extra care and the kids they loved seeing you baby me like you did. It’s not something they knew could happen between a man and a woman not related by blood. Emma has lots of questions. Mikey is coming up with some jaw dropping questions too. I don’t know how to answer them and my mother is making things worse by shutting them down when they ask. Let me get the house finished and we will go from there.” He pulled me closer but his erection had died. He shifted so that he could lay in my arms and we slept. We never made it to the house. Jason picked the kids up from school then handed Emma a bag of goodies and sent her to my room. 

Emma unpacked the bag of Sephora samples. We had washed our faces and applied masks just before Jason brought us a veggie and fruit tray. “Aack,” he cried, “there were two beautiful women in here earlier, what did you put on to make your beauty fade?” I rolled my eyes and called him, “Igor” He hunched over, made an ugly face and lumbered out of the room swinging one arm lower than the other. We laughed at him. We waited for the time to remove our masks before eating. We peeled our face masks off. “Are you in love with my dad?” Emma asked over bites of fruit. “I could completely love your dad in a heartbeat, but there are 3 other hearts to consider in a relationship with him. I have to know you would approve 100%, and Mikey and Grandma Linda. That’s something you really have to think about. I mean, this is a weird arrangement. I was his counselor, then yours and Mikey’s, even your grandmother’s. We became friends then we seemed to become a family. You moved in with me. You left behind a house full of memories of your mother just 4 doors down the street, to be with me. Some people wouldn’t think that was a good decision.” Emma cut in, “We did that for space though. We needed a bedroom for grandma and for dad. He’s lived on the couch or in a bunk bed most of my life.” “I know that was your main motivation, but most wouldn’t think a relationship like this is healthy. Normally, your dad would meet a woman, date her, get close to a commitment then bring you kids into the relationship. If something wasn’t right between the woman and you guys and there was no way to make it work out, then your dad would have to start over with a different woman. Relationships like yours and mine could take years to build. If I made a commitment to your dad, to you kids, to the family, there could come a time when you think I was a mistake your dad made. By that time a lot of other things could have happened. Weddings, babies, new jobs, new houses, big moves.” Emma cut in again, “You wouldn’t have babies with my dad, would you? Are you pregnant? Wait have you had sex with my dad to get pregnant?” I placed my hand on her arm to slow her thoughts. “Emma, I am not pregnant, and I won’t be even if I did become part of your family.” I could see her next question. “I can’t have babies myself and that’s all you need to know about it right now. Let’s talk about how you would feel about a woman taking your mother’s place in your dad’s life.” Emma went back to talking about the way things had been. “I can’t see dad going through that again. I wouldn’t want you to limit him like that. I know my dad wanted more, he needed more but his job kept him from having it with my mom. It would probably be that way for any one that my dad got involved with. Do you think you could handle that? I wouldn’t want anyone that couldn’t support dad’s career.” “See it’s things like that are important for your dad to know.” We talked on, the conversation moved from my potential with her dad, to things in school and her plans for her future. It was a good conversation. When she hugged me goodnight, she told me she wouldn’t be freaked out to see Jason come out of my room in the morning, as long as I didn’t plan to have babies. I told her that wouldn’t be happening until we were sure this family would benefit from our relationship. 

Jason did come to my room that night. His conversation with Mikey had gone almost like mine with Emma. Jason had spoken to his mom after Mikey went to bed. As far as Jason was concerned, we had full blessing. I was happy with that, but I needed to know a few more things. 

“How will this work if you are deployed? I mean, if your deployed then you will go, and I’ll be waiting for you when you get back but all the private information, they might not give you mother, things I saw happen when I was working as a base counselor. I don’t know if I could deal with being shut out like other girlfriends have been. Then there’s the house you built over there. When you move, what is my role then. Am I your girlfriend that lives here and we trade off sleeping at each other’s houses when you are home? If you aren’t able to return to the team, what happens to us if you change jobs. These are things you should think about. I don’t want answers right now, take time to think. You could be cleared tomorrow and deployed 5 minutes later. What would you want me to do then? We have months to really work things out, but I want long term goals in place before I move anywhere else. Keep one more thing in mind, I will be having surgery in June. I will be confined to staying in Sand Springs for 12 weeks after my surgery. If you are deployed before or during my time in Tulsa, I want you to know that won’t change how I feel about you but if you treat deployments as a vacation from a commitment to me, I can’t take that, and I won’t even let it get that far.” Jason didn’t have any quick answers for me. “We’ll see what happens when I see the doctor tomorrow.” He said as he pulled me close. After a quick session of making love, I sent him to his own bed for the night. 

The next afternoon Jason came home upset. “The doctor didn’t clear me. He says one of my eyes isn’t reacting to light right. He lengthened my leave by another 4 weeks. I have to have a CT next week. I’m scared that my career is over. That’s too much too fast.” I reached out for him and he dropped to his knee beside me. “I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t mean to take it out on you. I mean, I want to return to work, but I know if my eye isn’t working right, I’m a danger to my team. It’s no big deal right now, there are other teams to take our place but, I’m bored. But if I look at the big picture, this gives me time to finish the house. It also gives me more time with you.” Jason leans in to kiss me deeply. His mother walks through the room at that point. She’s going after the kids. I suggest she bring home pizza and pop and meet us at the new house. I get Jason to help me dress and we go to the house to look things over. We take my wheelchair so I can give my armpits a break. 

Once we’re in the new house, I pull a tablet out of my purse and start a list of things to be done. Jason from his view point of a standing adult sees things differently than I do from my sitting position. We’re comparing views when he mentions the master suite. He’s thinking the upstairs bedroom where I am thinking about the lower level master. He moves to the stairs and I move to the hallway. He’s half way up the stairs when he realizes I’m not behind him. He sits on the stairs at that point. I roll back to the foot of the stairs. Frustration is written all over his body. I stand to try to reach him, but he pulls away. “The day Alana died, I was feeling like this. I was talking about one thing, she was talking about another. We were trying to meet in the middle, but my focus was recovery and returning to work like now, more than recovery and increasing the quality of time I had with my family. Here you are trying to bring my focus back to the same things. Why do I keep doing this? How did I replace Alana with you and not change? How do I keep putting myself in these positions? You made it so easy for all of us and I just realized you are going to do the same thing. You are leaving.” 

I sat there. I let him talk. He needed to work this out in his head and heart. We were in the same place like he said, but the potential for my return was greater than Alana’s he just didn’t see it right now. He went on, “What do I have to do to break this cycle? Tell me what will make this better?” I looked down at my lap, gathering my thoughts. He didn’t let me talk at all. He came slowly down the stairs then walked out the front door. I made to follow him but once he hit the drive way he broke into a run and I knew I would never catch him even on wheels. I returned to my purse on a low bookshelf. I pulled my cellphone out. I sent a text to Linda and Ray that Jason was out on the street somewhere. I waited until Linda arrived with the kids. The helped me get back to my house. I went to my room, shut the door the locked it.  


Ray and the team showed up about 6. Lisa and Ray’s wife talked their way into my room. I was embarrassed to be in the state I was in. “I’m a counselor. I know better than to let my patients get into this position, how did I get into it myself? How did I set this poor family up to come to the same point within a year of losing their mother?” Lisa just shook her head. Endieria laid a hand on my leg and said, “You didn’t really do this alone. It’s the team’s way to replace a missing member with another like interchangeable parts. It was just bad luck that the dynamic moved from the team to home life this time. We’ve seen it happen before. The thing is, you have to make the choice…Are you going to be a replacement part or are you going to be an upgrade?” This was something I could understand. I had upgraded things with my truck. I was upgrading my education and earning potential. I would not just be a replacement part and I should have realized I was being used as one. “Okay, that isn’t really what Jason did to me. The dynamic is different between us, between me and the kids, and Linda is there, so how do I point these things out to Jason when he seems to be caught in a bad remake of a well loved movie?” The women shook their heads. I made up my mind, I wasn’t going to let the military way of life take over my relationship with Jason, his kids or Linda but I was going to frame it as a new set of missions for Jason. 

Instead of coming back to my house. Jason started sleeping at the new house. Day by day, things were completed so the kids were able to move too. Linda was the last to go. I wasn’t at full capacity so Lisa tried to take over where Linda had left but there was another mission. Debby Smith and a few of the wives picked up the slack for me until the end of the school year. The kids were still coming over on a regular basis, but Linda tried to discourage them. On their final day of school, we had a pool party at my house. We had been planning it for months, so it didn’t seem right to suggest it be moved to their house. Jason came, but stayed as far away from me as possible. My knee had not healed like it should, so I was still relying on crutches or a chair to get around. Lisa and I were talking about my trip back to Oklahoma when Sonny and Clay joined us. 

“Clay and I have been talking. We’ve talked Lisa into taking her vacation time with us and we’re going back to Oklahoma with you while you have your surgery. We can’t stay the full 12 weeks but we’ve talked to Dr. Smith and we can cover the first 3 weeks.” I looked at the burly Texan, then at Clay. My eyes filled with tears. Lisa had been spending a lot of time with me when she was home. I had no idea she was trying to get her time off to align with my surgery. I was shocked. “Thank you, guys, you don’t have to do this. I have friends, cousins and services that can help out in Sand Springs.” Lisa leaned over to hug me and said, “oh yes we do. This is my last hurrah before I go off to OCS and Sonny and I want to spend as much time as possible together until then. Clay, well he’s looking for a change of scenery.” I laughed. Jason noticed us laughing and we made eye contact but he broke away to go to the cooler out of my line of sight. 

Linda and the kids were planning a trip to Texas and asked if they could come stay with me for a few days on their road trip. I told her to coordinate it with Lisa and the two went to talk over dates. Sonny, Brock and Clay went to talk about music when Ray sat down with me. “I want to thank you for all you have done for the team in the last year.” The dark man said as he sat on the chaise near my leg. “You have made a difference in all of our lives since we met you.” I patted his arm. He continued to talk about the things his kids and wife had done. The way I had made an impact on his own life in the year. I accepted the kindness but told him it was more that his wife and kids had adopted me. “You know, in my marriage I have change duty stations 3 times, Endieria says that is what this is for you, you are going to just change duty stations and that like my other long distance friends, we will stay in touch but, I can’t imagine you leaving.” He started to tear up. I handed him a napkin then I reminded him that the world was much smaller than it used to be. He agreed then made an excuse to move away. The teens from the party started drifting away in sets of 2’s and threes before it was just Emma and Mikey left with me and Lisa. 

Emma hugged me hard before she and her brother left. “Thank you for everything today. I’ll be Skyping everyone about your surgery and we will see you in a few weeks” The kids hugged Lisa too then they left in the little car Emma had gotten for a graduation present. Clay was shutting down the front of the house before retiring to the den when he found a letter on the island. He brought it to me. Lisa and Sonny were retiring to the back guest, room as I opened the letter. 

(y/n), 

I’m doing something I have never done before. I don’t write letters. I don’t send emails. I wanted to say thank you for the way you helped my family transition from one house to another. I also want to say thank you for the attention you gave my family and my friends during this last year. Dr. Malcovitch says you were just a rebound relationship for me and I think I’m coming to terms with that. I still think I love you though. Whether it’s a friendship and thankful love or a romantic love, I don’t know. You are in my thoughts a lot and in my dreams every night. I’m not going to act on any of it because at this point, I don’t know if it’s head whammy related or if I really need you. What I wanted to say is that I will be thinking of you in these next months while you get the help you need, and I tend to my family. Thank you for showing me how to be a parent. 

Always, Jason

I was touched by some of the letter, hurt by other parts. I placed it in the box on my night stand. I took my sleeping pills and turned off the light. 

The next morning was a whirlwind of action. We were packed to leave and the family of a new member of Bravo team was coming to stay in the house until they could find a house of their own. Brock, Danny, and others were packing up my personal things for storage. Charlie and his Uber Van took my recovery team and me to the airport. Once again, I was on a charter flight to Sand Springs. Cash and his girls had opened my house for me. There was a van waiting on us at the airport. My self-appointed recovery team was making plans. I was miserable.  
We touched down at noon. Cash drove us to the house in the new van. He helped them get me in the house and into my bedroom. Cash’s oldest daughter was there with a lunch spread and a calendar. They left us to settle in. The next morning would be my final consultation with the new surgeon before we scheduled the surgery. My team navigated the city fairly well with the gps. They got me back into an exam room and helped with my x-rays before leaving me with just Clay for the consultation. When the doctor recommended a joint replacement instead of a plates and pins, Clay held my hand as I cried. I readily agreed to the surgery. We sat with the coordinator who got us into the schedule for the next week. With Pre-op appointments set, we headed home. I was quiet on the way home, so Clay gave Lisa and Sonny the news. We were all low-key that night just sitting around in the backyard listening to the neighborhood like we did in Virginia Beach. I told them I wanted to treat them to some fun the next day. 

Cash and his family kidnapped my team early the next morning. They took them to Grand Lake of the Cherokee’s to boat, ski and have lots of time on the water. I relaxed alone for the first time in months. I was in my family home, I wanted to spend time with my ghosts. I made an appointment for my lawyer the next day but otherwise I listened to the news channel of my hometown, I knitted, emailed and relaxed. Lisa, Sonny and Clay came back sunburned, windblown and chattering like kids on a sugar high. We played cards into the night then drifted off to our bedrooms. Lisa and Sonny got a little loud at one point, so I threw a shoe at the wall between my room and theirs. Apologies were shouted, and I tried to sleep. A text came through early in the morning. Jason was meeting with the medical staff at 6 about his concussion again. He was nervous and wanted to talk. I called him. 

“(y/n) I don’t know what I’m going to do if they keep me on medical leave.” “Jason, I think it’s time you seriously think about retiring. I know from experience that post-concussion syndrome symptoms can change, reemerge and re-trigger other things for years. The brain is delicate and can only take so much.” “I can’t walk away like this.” He tried again. “You were prepared to step back before, your brain is trying to tell you that it’s time. You’ve had 2 concussions in 2 years. That isn’t something to be taken lightly.” Jason started to get upset with me. “You just don’t understand what my duty means to me.” “No Jason, you don’t understand what another head injury could mean to your family. Compare it to my father’s cancer. There was something to fight. It was there, it would grow, would shrink. It could be pinpointed on a scan. Your brain may be fine now and tomorrow you may not be able to stand upright. You could be at the most dangerous part of your mission and a symptom could interfere. Dizziness could make you miss a target or hit one of your team mates. In my opinion your body is telling you what to do but, it’s your decision. I just don’t know what you hope to prove by adding another few years to your l.e.s. Jason, listen, I’m not feeling well myself, so I think I should go back to sleep. I’m sorry Jason.” I hung up on him. I was hurt by the way he had pulled away back in Virginia Beach so I really didn’t have the patience for his vacillating. 

The day of the surgery came, and I woke up with a week missing. Sonny was sitting in the corner reading a book out loud to me when I woke. I was in a full flashback of something really nasty happening to me. I was screaming and thrashing around my breathing tube. Sonny called for help until a nurse came to pull the tube from my throat. I fought her so hard. I scratched and swung fists at anyone near me. Finally, a strong set of arms, a broad chest and long muscular legs held me down on my left side. The deep voice broke through my fight and I dissolved into tears. Jason held me as I cried in pain and fear. Long hours of sniffles and shakes went by while he lay there. He caressed my hair, he spoke to me soothing non-words like a person gentling a hurt dog. The doctors refused to give me anything to sleep or more pain medication after my thrashing had made my knee worse. They did insist I get up and get moving though. The nurse and her assistant, they took all my cussing and threats with silence, but they moved me from the bed to the toilet or shower. Jason was there in against the wall waiting. When I returned to the bed, he returned to it as well pulling me close. After 36 hours of consciousness the orthopedic surgeon came in to see me. We made plans to see each other in 3 weeks and I was ready to go home.  


At home, Jason stayed beside me. He took me to the shower, he watched just out of sight while I dealt with my bathroom needs. He held me when the flashbacks came back in my sleep. “He’s gone.” Jason would say. “They took him away.” Or “he can’t hurt you now.” He would repeat over and over. Debby talked to him daily. She had no idea about why I would have the flash-backs but she coached him in what to say. The physical therapists came to see me, and I would do my exercises and Jason would coach me to do more and more each day. The day I went to see the doctor 4 weeks after my surgery, I walked on my own through the office and around the warren of rooms for x-rays. Jason did not follow me past my exam room. The surgeon mentioned the flashback once, but Jason shut him down quickly. When we returned to my house, Debby, her husband and her daughter were there. 

We were sitting around a fire pit in the back yard of the house I grew up in. Leon Smith and the baby girl he adored had gone to bed. Clay, Sonny and Lisa had returned to their duties. I opened up. “I was almost married once. He was a normal guy with big dreams of making millions by the time we were 30. One night after partying with his friends, we had been drinking but I was pretty close to sober. He wanted to fool around but he got careless when he was drunk, so I rebuffed him. In his anger he attacked me. Instead of the normal rough sex he would have with me, this time he entered my anus. He wasn’t careful, he wasn’t prepared, he just did it. I have a condition that makes my innards tender if I’m not taking the right medications. I didn’t know I had it back then. His longevity in this instance tore a hole in my colon and damaged the muscles between it and my vagina. He was not satisfied with one orgasm, so he entered me again and again until he passed out. He managed to leave me with a bacterial infection and the colon damage. An ulcerative lesion developed between the two places. I didn’t seek help right away, it was only 24 hours but that was enough time for the infection to make things pretty bad. One of his friends found me fouled and bloody in our bathroom at the beginning of that 2nd day. He took me to the hospital and I couldn’t tell them what happened. They weren’t careful or gentle in their explorations. I was silent the whole time. I didn’t cry, scream, or talk. I had revision surgery to clean out fecal matter from my lower abdomen and to secure the muscle structures. I left him when the doctor told me I could travel. 

The first 2 weeks, I had 24-hour body guards but eventually when I refused to press charges because I couldn’t testify, they left me alone. I returned home to my grandmother and mother and life went on. He was by no means out of my life. I worked with a therapist to get back to where I could trust him again because that was what was expected of me. In the end, I couldn’t do it. Another 2 years, and a few better prepared instances of him getting what he wanted, and I called it quits.” I would have flashbacks with him and we would fight, physically fight. I would have flashbacks with other men. I made it clear that I wouldn’t be abused like that, but a couple of times one other man took advantage of me and made the flashbacks worse for a while. I was unstable for a long time. 10 years of therapy and avoiding getting in relationships where that issue might come up, I was past it. Occasionally, I’ve been under the influence of medications that have brought it back or, under immense stress like running into an abuser again and I would fall back into that hole. Scenes in movies, or tv; casual talk about it; jokes; songs could all trigger it. After 20 years I’ve been doing good. The longest lasting side effect is extra pain when my IBS-D would kick up. Once I got that under control, well I was doing so much better. I skip pages in books, fast forward through movies, turn off television shows and shut down conversations about it. I’ve sought out vanilla sex partners to avoid it. I don’t know what triggered it this time.” 

Debby spoke up then. “You were in a coma for a week after the surgery. During that time, they had to help you eliminate waste. It’s not a pleasant thing to do. The combination of being trapped in your head, the violation of your body to keep you healthy and the books that Sonny liked to read to you probably triggered the reaction. While it wasn’t the way we expected you to emerge we are glad that you did emerge.” Jason broke in at that time. “I couldn’t stand seeing you laying there like your father, knowing what you went through the time you waited for him to…” Jason swallowed hard. I broke into tears again. Debby suggested we go in and go to bed. I agreed. Jason held me as I cried for again. Early in the morning as I sat in the middle of the bed rubbing his back, he told me he was going to medically retire. “The team is falling apart. Ray applied for a transfer to the training team again. Clay’s dad pulled some strings and he’s going to San Diego. Sonny and Lisa well, Lisa went to OCS. Sonny is working on a dishonorable discharge. Brock and Cerberus have been reassigned. My team has died. With a deep inhale of breath, I apologized to him. “I feel guilty, like instead of rebuilding a family, I blew it apart.” Jason rolled to his side to look at me in the dim light. “You didn’t do this, the team had to evolve. Most teams move through members like rotating parts in a factory. We were at a point where people had to move on. You weren’t even the catalyst.” I still looked down away from his face. 

He pulled my chin up to look at him, “Now that my future is up in the air. I want to solidify one thing. You have to be part of the rest of my life. Would you be part of the rest of my life? What I mean is would you spend the rest of our life with me?” I looked at him, I felt dumbfounded. I leaned down to kiss him and said, “yes I will be there for your present and future.” 

We called the kids, they had a million questions. We told them we would start making plans when they returned to Sand Springs. When we ended the call, the house was waking up. We shared our news around the breakfast table.


End file.
